


Coffee House of Pog

by valerian_valentine



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Death, Fluff, M/M, bones - Freeform, dead things, mild sexism, youtuber/streamer au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:00:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28759956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valerian_valentine/pseuds/valerian_valentine
Summary: Dave is streaming with his best friend, June, when a weird donation comes in.They haven't even gone on a date yet and he's already fucked up. Twice.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, June Egbert & Dave Strider
Comments: 10
Kudos: 76





	Coffee House of Pog

**Author's Note:**

> TW: there's just one scene where Dave talks about how to properly clean bones

“Speaking of  _ women _ , someone in this chat has a cruuuush…” June’s ‘streamer voice’ poured through his headphones, her words making his eye twitch. “C’mon TG! Tell ‘em all about this lovely cutie you found.”

“Dude.” He grumbled, just trying to do some simple minecraft parkour. “You make it sound like locker room talk and it’s not a crush! Am I not allowed to simply admire someone from afar?”

“No. Tell the chat what you told me! C’mon, I need the views! TG, the most attractive man alive, talking about what he enjoys in a person.” Egbert goaded him, a huge grin on her face. Dave had her stream pulled up, sitting in the corner of his desktop. 

“Jesus… Well…” Dave sighed, never happy about talking about his feelings. “They’re upfront. Confrontational and blunt.” He admitted, trying to mostly focus on the parkour, his screen a lovely mixture of greens and blues, the decor being frog based. He had no idea how Jade got all of this set up so quickly..

“You’ve always preferred upfront people. That’s why we became friends so quickly! I was the only person who told you that your shades looked stupid and the rest is history!”

He rolled his eyes, forcing a huff of laughter. “Not exactly how I remember it.”

“Oh hush. Now, tell us, is she cute?”

“He’s handsome… In a rat sort of way.”   
“Ooohh- Wait, rat?” June frowned, her face wrinkling kinda like a pugs.

“Yeah. Well, I mean, he looks a lot more like a bear or a moose. The cutest honkin’ schnozz you’ve ever seen but you aren’t allowed to tell him that. He’d fuckin’ kill me.” He grinned as he watched Junes chat go wild, rainbow flags streaming by in blurs along with ‘aww’s. 

“Don’t worry, my chat can keep a secret. Let me guess, he’s tall, dark and handsome?” June puffed up a little bit, flipping her hair a bit. “Like a certain someone you know?”

“Ha, in your dreams, dick.” He completed the level with a skillful flick of his wrist and transferred to the level June was currently struggling with.

“You bet, but tell us more! How’d you two meet?”

Dave groaned and rubbed his face, cheeks heating up. “Coffee shop…” He admitted quietly, embarrassed that he was a walking trope and his embarrassment only increased when June's laugh filled his ears. “C’mon dude!”

“I-I’m sorry, that’s just-” June snorted, nearly choking on her own spit. “That’s so typical! Se- HEY!”

Dave pushed June's character into the void below. “Whoops.”   
“Dick muncher! I worked hard to get to that spot!”

“Sucks to be you, nerd.” He chuckled, jumping to the next spot, away from June's fury.

“Whatever… Tell us, why did you get all ooey gooey when you met him? In my experience, baristas are… Crabby or overly friendly.” June shuddered, probably recounting the times the Starbucks twinks thought she was a gay man. He had no idea how they thought that but to each their own broken gaydar.

“He was pretty crabby and-” Dave sighed, lightly hitting his forehead on the edge of his desk. “He had a crab pin and I was off my ADHD meds so I fuckin’- You know how I get! I just started talking about crustaceans! I tried to tell him all the different species that evolved into crabs despite not being related to crabs as all and- Oh my gooood, then I got all flustered and- Fuck, man..” He rambled, embarrassed while June's chat started discussing how they would melt if someone info dumped on them like that. Unfortunately, people are liars and don’t understand what info dumping looks like but it’s fine, he didn’t need to blow up and cause himself further embarrassment. 

“Oh yikes. You did that, just right off the bat? Jesus, now I feel bad for this guy..”

“He- I couldn’t stop! I just could not shut up! I was holding up the fucking line and then I was delaying his work because he was just staring at me and- Dude, I felt so bad that I just left a fifty in the tip jar and scrammed.” He sighed, returning to the course, balancing precariously on a ladder.

“I’m sorry, dude.” June sympathized, her thick eyebrows furrowed in concern.

“Nah, it’s chill. He started asking me questions during the end of my whole spiel so I guess he was into it? I’m not sure, all I know is that I got him yelled at and a lot of people were giving me dirty looks for holding up the line and not leaving right away after I got my drink. Whatever, I just won’t ever go there ever again or try anything new. Ever.”

“Awhh, poor TG!” June pitied before knocking him off his perch. “Revenge. This is what you get for being gay.”

“I- Dude!” He was offended for a few seconds before bursting into laughter, quickly trying to catch up to June. “Asshole! I was trying to tell you an embarrassing story so you could get more views and this is how you repay me?!” He joked, just thankful they were off the topic of his embarrassing moment.

“Suck i- AAAAAA-” June’s mic cut off right as Dave went into hysterics, watching her character fall into the void again after a fairly simple jump, it’s head absolutely wigging out. He wheezed and borderline cackled, having to take his hands off his keyboard to avoid knocking himself off.

“Shut up!” June shouted, fake pissed.

“Oh my god!”

“Shut up.”

“You just- That was the simplest jump on this map!!”

“I’ve officially decided to be homophobic. Gay people do not deserve rights.”

“I’m not even gay!” He wheezed, pressing W so June couldn’t catch up and push him off.

“But you just said-!”   
“I’m bi, dude!”

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!” June shouted, yelling more when she fell down again.

“That’s not very poggers of you-” He got interrupted by June yelling again and hitting her desk, sending him into another laughing fit. “Chill out!”

“No! This is fuckin’ rigged!”

“GT would never rig something like this.” He teased, knowing for a fact she definitely would.

“Fuck you and fuck her! This shit is stupid and doesn’t even make any sense! The world isn’t even a fucking globe!” She shouted, referencing the giant build of the earth, complete with clouds and real water flowing along the surface.

“I thought you only liked fucking us in your dreams, EB!” He teased, glancing towards her chat. People talked about how attractive his laugh was, laughing at EB for her obliviousness towards sexualities, while a small handful of people talked about writing some sort of fanfic with him and the coffee shop employee. Weirdos but whatever. It got EB more views.

“Yeah but in my dreams, you’re twenty times more attractive! AND WE AREN’T DOING STUPID PARKO- Sorry Dad!” June stopped, taking off her headphones.

“Alright, now she can’t hear us. What’s up, chat? Should I push June off again or-”   
“Sorry about that, chat. Dad was trying to watch his shows in peace- Why is the chat saying yes? What did you ask them?” June questioned, her eyes squinting suspiciously as her screen.

“Nothin’. Are you gonna catch up or what?”

“Whatever..” June grumbling, huffing dramatically as she tried to get back to her original place. “You know, whenever we meet up, I’m gonna have to go to this coffee shop of yours and see just who has captured the eye of our mysterious and elusive TG.”

“You’ll have to kill me first, EB.” He threatened, already feeling anxiety from just the thought of his closest friend meeting someone he was interested in romantically. June was a fucking sweetheart but if she didn’t like someone, it would be over before it even started. There was no way in hell he would romantically pursue someone June didn’t like or approve of, friendships came first. Always.

“I’ll crush you with my big strong lady muscles!” The second the sentence left her mouth, his eyes darted over to her facecam where she rolled up her sleeves and flexed her arms, causing repeated donations. He would never admit to it, but he was glad she didn’t get rid of her muscles when she started transitioning. She always seemed happier and healthier when she had the biceps of the fucking gods.

He grinned when she winked at the camera and let out a wolf whistle, having to stop halfway due to his giggles. Flirting like that was normal for them but it still made him feel a little bit self conscious.

“Careful, you might be breaking TOS.” He joked, rolling his eyes as ‘dude bro’ comments rolled in, asking June how much she pressed and how big her muscles REALLY were, talking about how men didn’t like big muscles.

“Probably!” June chirped happily, her eyes flickering to the chat where her mood quickly soured. “Dave, there’s guys in my chat getting butt hurt cause I get more girls than they do! Damn, it would be a shame if chat had to do emote only.” She subtly threatened, huffing a bit.

“I have no idea why they think muscles on girls don’t attract men. I, personally, fucking love the fact you could crush my skull between your biceps.” He joked, trying to lighten the mood a bit as donations rolled in, all talking about how pretty she looked or simply not saying anything at all until June’s notification for a $100+ donation went off and she immediately brightened up.

“Holy shit! Thank you c.. Carcino.. Carcino geneticist? Hope I said that correctly, for the hundreds a fifty!” She thanked, frowning as she read the dono. “‘Was TG wearing a nauseating red hoodie with a green stain on the sleeve and douche shades when we got his coffee?’ Uhhh…” June’s eyes flickered towards her webcam. “Not sure!”

Dave frowned, taking a breath. “Yeah…? Wait, green stain? Fuck, I thought I got that out..” He laughed nervously, cracking his knuckles, silently praying someone didn’t recognize him.

“Mods, could you text me whatever that person says next? Thank you. Let's move on- Yeah, I know chat, it’s shocking that TG has a physical body. We’re moving on.” She said sternly. “TG, why won’t you tell everyone how to clean up some bones, I’ll be right back.” She told him before putting up her intermission screen and muting herself.

“Uh, alright… Well, first, you have to find your bones. You can commonly find them after rain fall and around dense arounds, under bushes or by a water side, places where a predator would take their dead prey to eat. After you’ve gotten whatever you find, you, usually, skin it of it’s fur if it still has any, take any chunks of meat off of the bones then put it in a bucket of hydrogen peroxide, preferably  _ after _ you clean it off a little bit with some water. Don’t forget to wear gloves throughout this entire process and I highly recommend investing in a gas mask of some sort, just because that really helps prevent the smell of dead shit getting into your lungs, along with dangerous chemicals. Now, you’re gonna wanna let this all sit for a week or so, depending on how large the carcass is and then drain it out once the hydrogen peroxide seems to be too dirty to do anything then repeat the process until you get your desired bones. After that, you should get a different bucket, and keep in mind you should be doing all of this outside, and fill it with warm water and dish soap. This just helps kinda degrease the bones and gets rid of anything that might still be stuck to it. Some people like leaving their bones out in the sun for a few days just to get that nice white color but it’s not required. Now, for display-”

“I’m ba- TG! You traumatized my chat!” June pouted, her face cam returning. “Dude!”

“You told me to talk about bones, I talked about bones. I don’t see the issue here.” He grinned, glancing at his phone. A small LED in the corner glowed blue, signalling a new message. Great. This was.. Great.

“June? I just heard my brother get home so I gotta log off.” He lied easily, moving a few things around on his desk so he sounded like he was in a hurry while he logged off minecraft.

“Alright! Everyone say bye Dave!” She waved to the camera, relaxing when he left the call. “Alright, now that the bitch has left-” 

He muted her before he could get distracted and left her stream running in the background, wanting to give her more views. He grabbed his phone and hesitated for a second. Did he really want to see who sent that dono? Fuck, if it was that barista, he was gonna get killed…

He slowly unlocked his phone and checked the message June sent him. A screenshot of the text her mod sent her, quoting the dono.

‘My name is Karkat. I’m the ,big nosed barista’’.

Well. That’s… Fun.

**Author's Note:**

> i just woke up and finished this so don't judge me if it's absolute shit  
> now, everyone thank @theunholydoctor for gifting me this idea! they make some cool shit and they're very nice, y'all should check them out!  
> visit my tumblr valerian-valentine-2 where i post random shit, reblog shit and talk about weird shit and I'm always welcome to hearing anyones ideas!


End file.
